Building Love Out of Pain (October 2004)

Natalya and James were alone in the Tower that night. Both Serena and Theo were spending the night at friends' houses, Kate and Steve were spending the weekend at her apartment, and Isabella and Tony were out of the country. Natalya lay in James' arms in his bed. The covers were half kicked off and their clothes lay strewn about the bedroom. Natalya closed her eyes as she lightly kissed his chest and breathed in his familiar scent. James had kept his word to Natalya regarding their relationship and they kept it quiet and between them (although everyone truly knew there was something going on between them). No one else in this world understood her the way James did. They had both been tortured, manipulated and used for terrible purposes. They had met when they needed each other the most and then torn apart again. Then, James had found her and ensured her the second chance she had been given.

Natalya lightly ran her fingers down his metal arm and then looked up at him and into his eyes. The words she wanted to say were right there on the tip of her tongue, but it was far more difficult for her to say them than the average person. Love and other such feelings were beaten out of her at a young age. Those kinds of feelings were considered weak. James would see the struggle in Natalya's eyes and then she chickened out...again.

"I'm hungry..." she said as she sat up and pulled a sheet up around her body. "Do you want to order some food?"

Feeling and showing emotions for James was difficult. The multiple times he was programmed, wiped and programmed again had taken its toll on his mind. Helping Natalya had become a sort of therapy for him. He remembered the young man he was in 1945. He was a ladies man. Women liked his clean cut smile and moreso when he was in uniform. He remembered Steve as a small, scrawny kid who had a big heart. He had been like a little brother to him and now he was 'his' big brother.

In the past 2 years, a little less, James had been able to get Natalya to open up to him to a degree. He opened up to her as well and the exchange between them had brought them closer. Natalya was the most beautiful woman James had ever seen and when she made love to him he no longer thought that she was drawing upon what she was trained to do. Not Natalya the agent, but Natalya the woman. James kept his hair longer because she said she liked it long. He wanted to bring her pleasure and he wanted her to pleasure him as well. being in tune sexually and mentally and emotionally like this had taken all of the past 2 years and he knew that she loved him though her brain would not allow her to say the words.

"No, but I can make you something. A burger, Parmesan and herb pasta? An omelette? Tacos?" He asked as he sat up and slid his legs around her hips as he moved up behind her. He kissed the back of her neck and tasted the saintliness of her sweat. "What are you hungry for?" he asked as he slid his hands around under the sheet onto her breasts. He didn't know how much longer they'd be alone and he wanted to enjoy being with her like this as long as possible.

Unlike James, Natalya had never had a childhood or young adult life that gave her any good memories. James had been picked to be the Winter Soldier, but Natalya, she had been created from scratch to be the Black Widow. In that way she knew that she would never truly be apart of the world she was currently in. Tony, Isabella, Kate, and Steve tolerated Natalya and allowed her to be on their team. However, she knew the moment she made a mistake she would be kicked off. James, on the other hand, would always be given that extra chance simply because of who he once had been. Natalya only truly had James.

Over the past two years Natalya had slowly started to open up to James. However, in many ways she was still a complete mystery to him. She could be stubborn and hard-headed about things and if she didn't want to tell James something there was nothing he could do to make her. Many times she feared that James would grow impatient and leave her, but he never did. He always remained with her and was there whenever she needed him.

She heard James come up behind her on the bed and she felt his legs slide around her hips and she closed her eyes as she felt his lips upon the back of her neck. She was hungry, but James had now distracted her and as shifted to turn her head to kiss him she temporarily forgot about food...

A short time later though her stomach did begin to growl. When they both heard it they began to laugh. Natalya didn't often laugh. She only truly laughed when she was completely relaxed and comfortable. This only happened when she was alone with James. "An omelette and bacon sounds good."

James loved it when Natalya reacted to him. As time went on James became more and more man than a programmed machine. when she shifted and kissed him he dropped his right hand down and rubbed between her legs. He liked that he could get her excited and even she couldn't mask how her body reacted to his touch. Before anything more happened however, her long, and quite loud tummy grumble made them both laugh.

"Ok, I can take a hint!" He said. His face held his smile as he let her get up. He moved to the bathroom and cleaned up and put his silk, black robe on. "I think I can manage that," he said as they passed one another in the bathroom. He did stop briefly to whisper something into her ear though. Something he wanted to do do her after they ate. He moved out toward the kitchen to begin preparing breakfast.

No man had ever been able to make Natalya's body feel the way James could. She had been with many different men as apart of various missions for the SSB, but none of them had been able to make her feel pleasure the way James did. Natalya didn't always reach orgasm, but James would certainly put in the effort and that was what mattered to her.

Natalya grinned a little at what James whispered into her hear and it was clear from the look in her eyes that she approved of what he had said. She put on her robe and then walked with him out to the kitchen. It was 2 am and the Tower was silent. She walked over to one of the large windows overlooking the city and looked out. Even though it was so late, the city was still well lit and she could hear some traffic moving on the streets below. Natalya's grin slowly faded as she thought about all she had and how quickly it might be taken away.

"The SSB is still out there...still hunting me James. I'm...terrified of what might happen if they find me..."

James got out the vegetables and a cutting board. He then got out the bacon and a pan and turned on the gas burner. He listened to her as he peeled off the bacon strips and placed them onto the pan.

"Tomorrow could be the last day for any of us. For all of us. That's why I think it's important for us to live as much as we can. And to love, as well," he said then stopped what he was doing. 'Did he love her?' He wondered. 'Do I -love' her?' He asked himself There were times she frustrated the hell out of him though he never showed it. But there were times he did the same to her. They were alot alike and also alot different. He had been able to peel back the layers of armor she had surrounded herself with to protect herself. That protection though had a reason then. To keep herself distant and capable. Now though, she no longer needed that armor. And she knew that though it was still there, sometimes.

James realized that it was for those times when she cried in his arms or woke up shaking and needing him that he felt the most alive. He took her vulnerabilities into himself and returned to her his strength and resolve. And his love for her. James had never raised his voice or treated her roughly. He was gentle and kind and attentive.

"And I do love you...Natalya. And I worry about that to. But I won't let that fear stop me from sharing my life with you," he said as he looked at the bacon begin to sizzle. "I think maybe its time we took back our lives. The world belongs to us. You and me and we've been inside these walls long enough," James said. "Long enough," he repeated as he placed more bacon onto the pan.

Hearing James tell her that he loved her caused Natalya's breath to catch in her throat. She didn't know exactly how to react or what to say. For a brief moment she began to panic. Did he expect her to say it in return? She had been trying to say it for a while now, but she just couldn't. However, as she looked over at James she knew that she didn't need to say it. He didn't expect it because he knew that she did. James never pushed her and just let her be herself.

She slowly walked over to where he stood chopping up vegetables for the omelettes.The bacon was already starting to sizzle. "Take back our lives how?"

James handed her a grape tomato as he continued to chop the vegetables. "By paying the SSB a visit. By making it clear that if they come for us, they will pay for it," James said. "Finding them won't be a problem. SHIELD knows where they are at," James said confidently. "If we send a big enough message, they will either leave us alone or not. If not, then we'll find them again and send a bigger message. Assets are not so easy to train. And it takes time. We kill enough of them then we set them back. I...have one of their phones. I took it off one of the agents we ran into last month," he said as he paused his next cut. "Tony has a signal tracking device in the armory," he said suggestively.

Natalya took the grape tomato from James and popped it into her mouth. It was juicy and delicious tasting. Over the past two years Natalya's appreciation of food had started to increase. While within the SSB food had not been something to enjoy, but something to simply sustain you. Since coming to the Tower though, James had shown her that food could be enjoyable.

Natalya paused in her chewing for a moment as she heard what James said. She swallowed and then walked over and got down to wine glasses. She pulled out a bottle and uncorked it. She took the time to pour out the wine to think about what James was suggesting.

"Tony and Steve won't allow us to do this..."

James just nodded in understanding. "You're right ofcourse," James said carefully. He already knew that. But this was their freedom he was thinking about. His and Natalya's. He doubted the others could understand because they could go where they pleased. Not Natalya and James. James wanted to get out and feel alive again.

Natalya brought over a glass of wine to James. She set it down and stood there quietly next to him for a moment. What James was suggesting was risky...but it could mean their freedom. Natalya was tired of hiding...of being afraid of Tatiana and the SSB and whether they might find her.

"It's risky...but it's a risk I'm willing to take."

James continued to cook the bacon and chop up the veggies and prepare the eggs. Not necessarily appropriate for wine but it was 2am. He watched Natalya move with the grace of a cat as she sat at the high top table breakfast bar.

"My mother used to make me omelettes and bacon when I was younger. Everything I know about cooking is from her," he said as he took off a few pieces of bacon then had a sip of his wine. "So I suppose you can add this memory to your good list," he said as he smiled at her. "We both can and then what will happen after," he said with a very warm look and a wink. Even with her hair messy as it was, Natalya was gorgeous. Her firm breasts and small waist made her robe shapely and he looked down at her chest as he tried to see if her nipples could be seen through the robe. He didn't care if she saw him looking, he loved to just look at her sometimes.

Natalya knew nothing about who her mother had been...only her name. The records had been destroyed. Natalya imagined James as a child and couldn't help but smile a little when he talked about how she had taught him to cook. She caught him looking at her, but she didn't mind. She liked it when James looked at her like he was now. It made her feel...wanted.

"Do you miss your family?"

"Sometimes. But families come and go and another has come into my life. You and Steve and the Starks. People who really do care about us," James said as he dumped the pan into the sink and got out a new one and knifed a thick pad of butter into it and turned on the gas burner. "I want you to feel as if you have family to. Even if this whole romance thing doesn't last, I want us to always be friends Natalya. I want you to know you can always come to me when you need to or even just want to talk or be near someone who cares about you," James said as he paused in what he was doing to look into her eyes. He wanted to move up and kiss her again. To take her up into his arms and tell her how much he loved her into her ear. He smelled the butter and broke eye contact then let out a long breath.

Natalya's eyes met James' as he spoke. She felt rather overwhelmed by what he said...but not in a negative way. Just knowing that no matter what happened between them that she would always be able to rely on James was...comforting. Without him she would be truly alone in this world. No one understood her the way he did. No one understood the pain that they had been through. No matter what happened they would always share that connection.

She slowly moved up behind him and she wrapped her arms around him. She gently kissed the back of his neck and then rested her head against his muscular shoulder. "We're an odd pair of misfits you and I. Without you James...I wouldn't be here right now. I owe you so much more than I could ever repay you."

James's flesh tingled at her kiss and the distraction was enough for him to want to forget about the food altogether but he knew Natalya was hungry. He turned slowly to face her then shifted his hand to lift up her chin. He leaned down and kissed her lips gently and paused to look into her large, dark eyes. "There is nothing to repay," he whispered then moved and hefted her up onto the counter. He dropped the beaten eggs into the pan and then began to add all of the other ingredients. He handed her a piece of bacon then moved and got the grated cheeses. He was going to have to wait a bit for the eggs to cook enough. In that time he shifted back to her and picked up his wine glass as he watched her eat the bacon.

"What do you think about Victor Doom coming into the fray now?" he asked.

Natalya felt things for James that she knew she would never feel for anyone else. The way he looked into her eyes...the way he touched her...the feel of his lips against her own. No one else could ever make her feel that way. With James she felt...normal...she felt loved and that meant more to her than anything else in this world.

She grinned a little when he picked her up and sat her down on the counter near him. She took the piece of bacon he handed her and took a bite. It was salty and delicious. She took a small piece and fed it to James with a little grin. However, when he mentioned Doom her smile slowly faded and she became more serious.

"I'm not sure. It's been a few weeks since everything happened and yet we still haven't heard from him. That...worries me a little. I'm not certain what he's planning, but I think we need to be prepared."

James sprinkled the cheese over the vegetables and paused to let it melt enough before he folded the egg over. He shifted his right hand under the hem of Natalya's robe and placed it on her hip. He leaned into her and kissed the middle of her chest where her robe had dropped open and took in her scent. She smelled well wonderful was all he could really think of it. He shifted back just enough so he could see as he flipped the egg over with his mechanical arm. He shifted the omelet in the pan to ensure it had not stuck then pressed down with the spatula in the center of it to break it in half. He gave her chest one,, last loving kiss then shifted back to get the plates down. He slid the omelet halves onto the plates and then placed several pieces of bacon on each then helped Natalya down. At the table he clinked his glass to hers then set to with a will. He was hungry and he needed to keep up his strength for later.

It was dark and quiet as Natalya sat with James at the table and ate. They sat in a comfortable, passionate silence, just enjoying each other’s company. It was all they truly needed. After they finished eating they cleaned up the kitchen and returned to James’ room. They made love again before finally collapsing in each other’s arms. As Natalya drifted off to sleep she breathed in James’ scent and a little smile tugged at the corner of her lips.