A Day In The Life

Natalya hated just standing there and doing nothing, but she had no choice. If she had tried to intervene then she would have easily exposed herself as someone who wasn't entirely human. Looking down at the dead woman she watched the blood pool underneath her and flashes of images of those she had killed came into her mind. She tried to push them away, but their dead faces wouldn't leave her mind. She had killed so many people...too many to even count or remember. She had been a killing machine and the guilt of what she had done crept into her heart.

Quickly, she left the scene and headed home. She needed to get off the streets and into a place she felt safe. She immediately changed into a pair of black workout leggings and a black sports bra and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. She headed downstairs and walked over to the punching bag. She turned on some loud music and wrapped her hands before beginning to take her anxiety and anger out on the punching bag.

Evan had stopped at the grocery to pick up the tenderloin, the asparagus and a few other things he needed to make the evening meal. He also picked up a nice bottle of Cab Sov wine to go with the beef and headed home with his haul. For some reason he was anxious to get home to Natalya. She had called him concerned and when she was concerned he felt concerned too.

In the exercise room Natalya couldn’t hear the chime of the garage opening do to the loud music and her concentration on what she was doing. Evan came upstairs and called for Natalya but she was nowhere to be seen. He moved to the security panel on the wall in the kitchen and he began checking it to see if she had come home yet. The panel showed him that she had come home and when and that motion detectors were going off in the basement. Evan smiled and got to work on making their supper which began by opening the wine to let it breathe a while then getting into clothes suitable for cooking which in this case was a pair of blue jeans, white socks, brown slippers and a black t-shirt. He always wore the white apron when he cooked, he hated trashing his clothes unless it couldn’t be helped. As he cooked he hummed a tune he heard on the radio on his drive home. A song from an older 80s group called The Police. The hum grew into him singing it aloud since he was alone

Natalya always seemed to almost go into a trance when she worked out. She didn't even realize how much time was passing by. In her trance she imagined she was punching Tatiana over and over again and everyone else who had hurt her. It was therapeutic in a way and the Psychiatrist at SHIELD had thought imagining such things would be good for her mentally.

She didn't hear Evan coming home because of the music. It wasn't until she had worked up a good sweat and was really breathing hard that she stopped and realized how long she had been at it. She also knew Evan was probably home. She turned off the music and headed upstairs. She could already smell the food he was cooking and realized she was quite hungry. He didn't hear her come up the stairs and she stood there listening to him sing for a minute.

"You have a nice voice," she finally said as she stepped into the kitchen.

Evan had not heard her come up and he was even kind of shaking his hips as he sang, really enjoying the moment. When he heard her voice it shocked him and he almost dropped the bottle of Sherie he was using on the sauce.

“Ahhh!” He exclaimed then pressed the bottle to his chest. “Oh my god...You are so sneaky, like a cat!” He said then put the bottle down and stepped up to give Natalya a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He noticed right away she was all hot and sweaty and must have Ben working out. He smiled at her as he looked her over. “Did you have a good workout? I hope you worked up an appetite,” he said happily.

Natalya hadn’t meant to startle Evan. She had long ago been taught how to move without making a sound and just walked that way naturally. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that,” she replied with a little smile. “I need to learn how to make more noise when I walk.”

She got down a glass and filled it with cold water. She would need to take a quick shower before dinner, but for now she lingered in the kitchen to be near Evan. “How was your meeting?”

Evan winced at her question and thought back to how badly he has felt betrayed. He tried to moderate his emotions, Natalya didn’t deserve his frustration but it wasn’t easy to speak about it without letting some of his frustration show.

“Well I should know better...I was actually working with SHIELD,” he said and paused and raised a hand and tipped his forehead with a finger as if he had a headache. “I can’t seem to stay clear of those guys or maybe they’re doing it on purpose..I don’t know,” he said and leaned back against the counter. “All my work...and it was for weapons tech..” he said and nearly groaned but then seemed to let it all go in one long sigh. “I couldn’t wait to come home to see you. I was...worried...I know how well we’ve been doing. How you’ve been doing,” he amended. “How do you feel baby?” He asked gently and shifted to take her into his arms.

Natalya listened to Evan and could sense his frustration and anger. She couldn’t blame him for being upset. He had been working very hard recently on this software and he had been trying to distance himself from SHIELD.

She felt him wrap his arms around her and she sank into them. That was usually an indication that she had had a rough day. “I saw a shootout today near the pharmacy. An innocent woman was killed and I did nothing. It seems that either I kill people or they just die around me. I...I can’t even remember all the people I killed...that’s how many there were.”

As he listened to her he closed his eyes briefly. Partly in disgust for unloading his own problems down upon her when they paled in comparison to hers. Evan could not imagine what a new find conscience could do to a woman like Natalya. Her two halves warred against one another. Her ultra violent disconnected half, the agent, and the woman who was vulnerable and sad who needed to be loved.

“Oh how horrible...were you hurt? Are you alright?” He asked concernedly but after looking at her she didn’t seem injured...physically. He rubbed her arms as he looked into her eyes. “You can’t blame yourself. You know if you had interfered the chances that we might be discovered increase significantly,” he said.

Natalya shook her head. "No, I wasn't hurt. It just...triggered a lot of memories was all. I know I couldn't interfere. But it didn't make it any easier." She took another sip of her water and then put the glass down. "I also realized something today. This entire past year I have been trying to be 'normal'...I've been trying to put my past permanently behind me and forget about it. But I can't. I will never be 'normal'...no matter how hard I try. I will always exist between two different worlds...belonging to neither."

Evan almost winced when Natalya brought up this subject again. He had tried to avoid it. Tried to show her how to exist in a world without violence, lies and agency agendas. But how could he convince her when he wasn’t even capable of staying clear of it all. SHIELD had been using his knowledge and expertise and part of him knew what they were doing. He denied it to himself but he knew and yet he still did it anyway. He decided honesty is the best course here. He’d want nothing less from her.

“You’re right Natalya. For us normal is a fleeting thing. And there are people out there that want to drag us back into what we were before we found one another,” he said and took off the apron and tossed it onto the counter. “I won’t let the SSB take you back and I’m not going back to SHIELD...willingly,” he clarified. “And we both know what we are holding...Corvus and his goons will return for it. For us eventually,” he said and looked into her eyes. He took her glass and set it down on the counter and enveloped her in his arms.

“I don’t want to lose what we have Natalya. So I’m going to ask you, what is it you feel you need to do? Do you need to be out there fighting? Employing your abilities? If so, who would you be working for?” he asked but it wasn’t an easy question. One he didn’t want to ask.

Natalya thought about the Reality Stone and knew that Evan was right...Corvus would be back one day. They wouldn't be able to hide from him forever. The three of them would come face to face again and they needed to ensure that the Reality Stone didn't fall into his hands. However, Natalya still felt that there was more she could be doing.

She felt Evan's strong arms wrap around her and she let him hold her. She rested her head against his shoulder and considered his questions. She was quiet a long time before answering. "I greatly appreciate everything you have done for me Evan. You have put me first in your life and done everything to make me comfortable and I will never be able to repay you for that. But I can't just sit around here all day for the remainder of my life. I want...I need to be doing...something...working for SHIELD...working for the Avengers..."

Her just mentioning wanting to work for SHIELD made Evan flinch. That and the shadows in the room shifted ominously closer to him. He let the power go as soon as he felt them. Failure was not easy for Evan. The Dark Matter experiments had been a sore spot that he knew would never truly heal inside of him. He had wanted...hoped that Natalya could put the past behind her and lock it up and throw away the key but he had failed at that as well. Perhaps he was just fooling himself? Did he allow his arrogance to trip him up yet again? He pulled away from her and couldn’t help the look of incredulity that rested upon his face.

“And do what...hurt people? Because that’s what they’ll ask you to do. The SSB, SHIELD, ‘The Avengers’ They all work for their own goals and it all comes down to fighting,” he said though he knew what he said wasn’t exactly true. At least for the avengers. They did what they did to protect people and Earth. But it didn’t mean that their hands were completely clean either.

Natalya wasn’t sure what to say in response to Evan. She looked at him as he pulled back and felt utterly lost and unsure of her place in this world. She hadn’t asked for the life she had been given. She had never been given a chance. The entire reason for her existence had been to become the world’s best assassin and spy. And she had. She had killed countless people for evil purposes but now when she thought perhaps she could turn herself around and perhaps do some good and help people she finds the man she lives looking at her like she still is an evil...thing.

She was really upset now and was no longer hungry. “You say you trust me Evan and don’t believe I’m evil, but then I see your eyes as they are right now and I can see that you don’t fully trust me.

Evan paused with what he was going to say when he heard what she said. His expression changed to hurt though he tried not to show it. “You know I do...with my life...with my heart but given the chance, would you kill Tatiana, for what she and the SSB did to you? If you go to work for SHIELD they will likely be opposed. Is it that you really want to use your abilities to help people or to hurt people who hurt you?” he asked in a soft voice. Yes her words did seem to have hit him harder than he thought given what he had done for her.

“Do you think I don’t know you spend your time hoping they will suffer the consequences for what they did to you? In doing so you're only allowing them to continue to hurt you,” he said. “But if you feel im just holding you back, just say so. I can’t stop you from doing what you feel you need to do,” he said. “I only hoped that our love was more important than that,” Evan said in barely more than a whisper.

Natalya crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from Evan as she tried to come up with what to say. She was clearly frustrated and her anxiety was growing. She wasn’t just frustrated at Evan, but also at herself. Why couldn’t she just be happy with the way things were? Evan was taking care of her and she could have almost anything she wanted. The thing was was that she wasn’t being challenged and that was what she missed.

“I want to do both,” she finally said. “I want to eliminate the SSB and then I want to actually use my abilities for good…to help people. I know I can never forget all I’ve done and my conscious will never be cleared, nor should it be, but helping people might actually be able to help me as well. I don’t feel that you are holding me back Evan. You have been nothing but good to me and as I said I will never be able to repay you for what you’ve done, but I just want to be honest with you about how I am feeling.”

“You want to Elim...Natalya, please, I’ve been down that road before. You won’t find any peace even if you manage to kill them all. They’ll be dead but you’ll not feel any different. And there is a chance that they could capture you in such an attempt. And they’ll find a way to control you again. I'm not above defending ourselves if they come after you but going after them is like going into a wolves den when the wolves are all there, awake and hungry. I want no part of it and if I’m not enough for you...then maybe you should go. Because I have no more to give you than I have already. And I want nothing more to do with SHIELD or the SBB and more death. I only want you,” he said feeling as if she was already slipping away from him. He felt a twinge of desperation in his chest as his heart began that ache he felt when the fear of losing her crept in around him. He loved her so much it hurt him physically when the fear came, a rare thing indeed for him.

Natalya felt a wave of emotions come over her at the thought of losing Evan. She needed him as much as she needed air to breathe. He was everything to her. Without him her life would be empty and meaningless and she would have no reason to go on living.

She sighed a little and looked at him. “I need to go shower before we eat.” She walked to their bedroom and then stepped into the bathroom and started the shower. She stepped inside and washed off her body before dressing in some comfortable leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. She walked back up to the kitchen and began to set the table.

Natalya’s sudden dismissal, as if she had not just said what she said and he had not said what he said made Evan blink. He scratched his head as he watched her step away and frowned at her back.

He was busy checking the temperature of the tenderloin as she padded back up the stairs and into the kitchen. He hadn’t heard her come in until she had opened up a cupboard and began to remove plates and glasses and began to set the table. ‘Don’t bring this up...just leave it alone’ He decided but the worry of what she said was still there only muffled to a low murmur in the back of his mind. The beef was the perfect temperature and he removed it from the pan and placed it onto the cutting board. Pink juice ran from it but it needed to rest a few minutes yet, time enough for him to check the peas and potatoes and pour the red wine. He served her first and then himself and then he continued to stand as he picked up his napkin, his flatware, his glass and his plate. She looked up at him in surprise and he gestured with a nod toward the stairs that led to the roof.

The roof was lit up with strings of small, white lights that were strung along the poles that lined the outer edge of the garden that surrounded the small wooden table that sat in the center. Flowers of different types, colors and sizes were all around them and beyond them were herbs and some vegetables that Evan often used in his cooking. It was warm with almost no breeze and the goings on of the street below them was a low buzz with an occasional muffled horn of a car that honked as it drove by. He had been saving the lights for a special occasion but he felt she would like the ambiance of them tonight. Once they were sat he found that he didn’t quite know what to say. He avoided bringing up what they had been talking about but he found that there was an awkwardness that settled between them or at the very least, just him. He did not know how Natalya felt but she was there 3 feet in front of him. He cut into the meat and took a bit...it was quite good, and he looked into her eyes as he chewed. She looked into his as well though occasionally she’d look at the lights and flowers but mostly it was just her looking at him and he her as they ate. When she looked at him again he mouthed the words, ‘I want you’ to her and then he casually took another sip of wine and his eyes looked down to her chest as it was obvious she wasn’t wearing a bra and images and sensation of him sucking on her nipples entered into his mind.

Natalya was surprised as she stepped out onto the roof with Evan. He had decorated the rooftop with white lights and with the flowers and herbs it was rather magical. She took a seat with him at the small round table and they began to eat in silence. They had had arguments during the past year about small things, but nothing like what had happened not too long ago. However, Natalya wanted to just drop it and for them not to discuss it again. She wasn't going to lose Evan...she couldn't. She wanted him to know how happy she truly was with him.

As she ate she looked across the table at him and found herself looking into his eyes. She hated this awkwardness between them and wanted things to go back to the way they had been. Thankfully, Evan decided to make a move in that direction by mouthing that he wanted her. She smiled at that and took a sip of her wine before mouthing back 'I want you too.'