An Impossible Decision

That night it was difficult for Narisa to sleep. The rain had finally stopped and near her she could hear the sound of her mother and father asleep, but sleep eluded her. Her mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Eagan and Calaren...the two men she loved deeply. She knew by now that both of them had saved her life and she didn't want to hurt either one of them, but she knew that she would need to make a decision soon. However, what she wasn't sure of was whether Eagan even still wanted to marry her. He hadn't given her a chance to explain and she feared that his heart had turned against her. She couldn't bear the thought of that. They had come so far together and had sacrificed much in order to be together. And then there was Calaren...a man willing to give up his life in Rohan to raise horses with her in Gehenna. He wanted the simply life she did and though she had fought against allowing herself to fall in love with him again it had happened and now she found herself facing an impossible decision.

Narisa finally dosed just before dawn and then was awoken by her mother for breakfast. Narisa's appetite had bounced back since her fever had broken and she found herself quite hungry, but she knew that needed to go easy on her stomach. She was given some porridge, which she managed to keep down, and then some hot tea. Her mother then helped to give her a sponge bath. Although Narisa longed for a regular bath, this helped her to at least not feel quite so dirty. Her long, dark hair was brushed out and braided to keep it out of her face. Now cleaned up she felt better prepared to face Eagan and Calaren...although she wasn't sure what she was going to ultimately say to either of them.

Calaren decided to talk Eagan into seeing her that afternoon while the King was out on patrol. Lindariel was there but she excused herself as soon as Eagan stepped into the room. He tried to smile but seeing her like that, very hurt and unable to get out of bed tore him from the inside out. Her gaze upon him made him sweat and he smiled politely to the queen as she moved past him.

Silently he came toward her. His first instinct was to sit in the empty chair by her bed but something inside of him softened when his eyes met hers and he came up to her bedside. 

“I...I...I'm so relieved you are going to recover,” he said softly. “When I saw you...and all the blood...I..I was so worried,” he said as he looked down away from her gaze. He couldn't help the water that blurred his vision and cursed himself for being such a weak fool in front of her. 

“I...I want to apologize to you, for...for what I said and for jumping to conclusions. You had every right to seek out another…” he began but just saying that much made his heart churn...or was that his stomach? The thought of losing her love did make him feel a little queasy but he refused to sit and managed to look at her again though even that was difficult.

Narisa heard door to the small house open and looked over to see Eagan walk in. To be honest she wasn't even sure if he would come to speak with her and so tears of relief and happiness filled her eyes as he approached her. She saw him hesitate as he neared her, but slowly he began to soften. She listened quietly as he spoke, allowing him to speak fully and say everything he wanted to say. She sighed softly and shook her head when he apologized.

"Eagan, you have no need to apologize. It was not fair to come home to that. I should have written you, but you made me promise not to send any letters in case we were found out."

She was quiet a moment before continuing on. "I didn't seek out Calaren. Father invited him. I had turned down everyone else and he knew that there was history between Calaren and I...much like that between you and I. I will admit that I was lonely," she said as her voice quivered. A few tears filled her eyes as she looked up into his own. "I missed you so much Eagan. I tried to push Calaren away but...I...I enjoyed his company," she admitted. "I still love you Eagan. I've made no promise to him."

Eagan listened to Narisa and as she spoke his hand drew closer to hers. He had had dreams about her often since he had departed so long ago. Powerful dreams filled with love and desire and worry for her. She had not laid with Calaren and though he tried hard to believe that if she had that it wouldn't make any difference he knew that would be a lie. Both to her and himself. But she hadn't and his worry and anger toward her subsided and turned into something else. The moment his hand touched hers he felt hers unfold to grasp his. In a moment he came down to his knees and kissed the knuckles of her hand and she felt the wetness of his tears touch her flesh.

"I...I haven't been the same without you Narisa. It's like a hole has been bored down into my heart and the only one that could ever fill it is you," he said as he held her hand to his damp cheek. "I love you still Narisa and I still want you to be my wife," he told her honestly.

Narisa felt Eagan's hand touch hers and she unfolded her own to grasp his. His touch brought new tears to her eyes. She felt strength flow through her and she knew in that moment what her decision was. As much as she also loved Calaren, Eagan was her first true love and would always hold a special place in her heart. She could see herself with him and she would follow him wherever he wanted to go...even to Minas Tirith.

She looked over and deeply into his eyes. She smiled when he told her that he still wanted her to be his wife.

"I still want that too Eagan."

Her comments left several things unsaid. Did she mean that Calaren was not who she was going to marry? Was she not really in love with him? Eagan wasn't sure and he lifted his head to look at her face. He wanted to ask but knew doing so would be quite brash and he didn't want her thoughts to drift from him right then.

"But...but what about your father? Shall I go speak to him? Do you think he will allow the match?" He asked. Ok, well, he tried not to mention these things but he couldn't help it right then. He had so much to say to her. Things he had wanted to tell her for over a year but couldn't. That and he almost lost her...forever. That placed a certain amount of urgency on everything as far as he was concerned.

Narisa could see Eagan's mind working. He was overthinking things. He always overthought things. She gave his hand a loving, reassuring squeeze and looked at him.

"Eagan, my father told me that had he known from the beginning about our relationship that he would have approved...and that he still approves. All you have to do is ask him...and then ask me."

Eagan held back a wince. Did her father know that they had already been together? He wasn't certain and did it really matter now? Now that the way was clear for them to be together? It was much easier to just not think about it when it wasn't yet a reality. Now though...it was real and Narisa was real and his lover for her was real.

"Then that is what I will do," he said. When her mother came back in Eagan let go of her hand abruptly. He clasped his hands behind his back and turned to regard her.

"Queen Lindariel," he said and bowed. He was concerned that he had overstayed his welcome though Lindariel didn't seem to mind his presence. Narisa would see he looked...nervous, around her mother.

Lindariel could sense that something had happened between Narisa and Eagan. She honestly began to wonder if an engagement was imminent. She did like Eagan. She had known him since he was a little boy. To see how he had become a handsome, capable soldier made her proud.

She waited until Eagan had left, presumably to go speak to her husband, before approaching Narisa.

"Calaren is waiting. Shall I send him in?"

Narisa nodded. "Yes, Mother"

Lindariel walked over to the door and looked at Calaren. "You may come in now Calaren."

After he stepped in she stepped out to give them some privacy.

Calaren had been chomping at the bit to get in to see her but he decided to just be patient though it was not easy. He saw where Eagan was headed, the King's fire was at the end of the small road and by how fast Eagan stepped he was certain he had something important to say to the King. Little he could do about that now he had his own heart to salvage and Narisa was the other half of it...No, of everything for him.

He had held her life in his hands and she had survived. In truth he would have tried as hard for just about anyone but he had a strong connection to Narisa and though he couldn't really explain why or how, he felt that that link between them made all the difference. It was like he could 'feel' what he had to do...somehow.

He smiled and bowed politely to the queen but unlike Eagan he wasted no time to go to Narisa's bedside. Before she could say anything he leaned over and pressed his lips up against hers. He had missed those lips though they were badly chapped and cracked from dehydration. His were supple and warm on hers and indeed he kissed her like he had almost lost her. When he reluctantly pulled away he looked deeply into her eyes. His heart was racing and his face was flushed as he looked at her.

"I almost lost you Narisa," he said passionately as he brought his hands up to touch her face. His face had a worried, affectionate look about it and his eyes burned with an inner light that made them almost glow in the dim light of the room.

As Eagan left, Narisa felt confident in her decision to marry him, but the moment Calaren entered the house she felt her confidence waiver a little. Both men were so different and yet she loved them both deeply. She knew that Calaren had been the one that had ultimately saved her life and somehow that knowledge made her feel even more connected to him.

Narisa watched as Calaren strode quickly to her side. He made no hesitation and before she could even speak his name she felt his lips against her own. Her mind felt cloudy from the kiss, which was quite passionate, and despite herself he would feel her kissing him back. As he pulled back she looked up into his eyes. She leaned slightly into his touch as he caressed her cheek.

"It is because of you that I am alive right now. For that I will never be able to repay you Calaren."

Calaren lowered his face down and kissed her lips once more though much more gently this time. "You alive is more than any payment you could offer my love," he said in a breathless whisper. There wasn't much, a slight hesitation? He wasn't certain but he felt as if he hadn't just imagined it. Though it could jut be his mind working against him too. "You saved alot of people Narisa," he added as he looked deeply into her eyes. He found it difficult not to kiss her again but he was able to stop himself and let her speak if she wanted. He wanted to ask her straight out about Eagan but didn't wish to put strain upon her with tough questions. She was alive and there was time now. Time to show her how much she really meant to him.

Narisa closed her eyes as Calaren kissed her again and returned his kiss once more. As he pulled back she kept her face close to his and slowly opened her eyes to look into his own.

"I only did what anyone else would have done," she responded humbly. "I couldn't let those children be taken. I acted...foolishly...but in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. I am glad to know that all of the children are alright. I couldn't bear to think that anything had happened to any of them."

"Oh Narisa, you know you did the right thing, you acted and saved lives. You did what any good soldier would do," he said not wanting to stop touching her face. "You survived and you have your whole life in front of you," he told her. He had wanted to ask her if she had decided on Eagan but decided not to. He didn't have a lot of time and he certainly didn't want their conversation to be about him. Calaren could hold no real grudge against him but when it came to Narisa's love he sometimes acted foolishly. 

He smiled brightly at her, like he did when they'd look at one another across the dining room. "I love you Narisa," he said softly then kissed her once more to let his words sink in a little more strongly. "There isn't a sunrise that I do not think about you or wish it was you I was spending it with," he told her. It was a very forward thing to say but he knew that if he didn't let her know his clear intentions, he may not have a chance later.

Narisa looked at Calaren as he told her he loved her. She was quiet a moment, unsure of how to tell him what she needed to tell him.

"I love you too Calaren," she told him honestly. "But I also love Eagan and I made a promise to him to marry him and I am going to fulfill that promise. I'm sorry Calaren. If it were just you I would marry you without a second thought. I hate that you have to hear this, but it's only fair that you know now."

Her words felt as if Narisa had slapped Calaren in the face. She was breaking his heart and he felt helpless to do anything about it. Anything but continue to try that is. What other option did he have? To just let her go? No he wasn't prepared for that. Not like this, he thought. Not like this.

Calaren continued to hold her hand and look into her eyes. "Narisa, no one doubts your sense of honor, but this is the rest of your life. Do you really see that in Minas Tirith? And you said it yourself, if it were just me, well, what if you hadn't made that promise? Do you think Eagan would want to know that your promise alone had swayed you? You know where your heart wants to go Narisa. And that's not 'cooped' up in a city tending house and managing your husband's affairs. Its out there," he pointed and his voice had grown more urgent as well. "With your hands dirty and mud on your dress after a good, hard ride. Oh Narisa, there is so much we can learn from one another," he added and kissed the knuckles of her hand again. "Please...please don't push me aside now!" He said almost desperately.

The look in Calaren's eyes...the desperation in his voice...the way he clung to her hand...his words...they all broke Narisa's heart into a thousand pieces. She knew that ultimately what he said about Minas Tirith was true. Narisa was happiest out riding...not stuck in a city. However, she was determined to find some sense of happiness there. She planned to stay true to her word to Eagan and marry him. She could not go back on her word and she did love him. Perhaps after a time they could leave Minas Tirith and return to Rohan....

"And how would I know that you would not ultimately do the same thing? You say that you would let me run free, but I am sure that you would soon grow tired of that and that I would end up simply keeping house and doing other tasks deemed 'appropriate'."

Narisa knew her words were harsh and it pained her to even say them. Perhaps she was only forcing herself to believe that to make herself feel better about letting him go...

Calaren could hardly believe what he was hearing. But he also didn't wish to upset her. This conversation should not happen here and now but it was. He felt her trying to pull his heart from his chest and he swallowed as if that alone would keep it down inside of him. "You know my plan and you also know that I won't succeed without you. I need your help in so many ways that have nothing to do with you being my wife. Can't you see that?" he asked. "I'm asking you to share this life with me Narisa and I have no intention on telling you how to live it," he said honestly. Not that he felt he could make her do what she didn't want to anyway. He doubted that he could.

Narisa looked into Calaren's eyes for a moment and he could see how much she wanted what he was telling her. She then felt tears start to come to her eyes as her heart ached. She forced herself to break his gaze and looked down at her hands.

"I've made my decision."

Calaren knew by her tone that today at least, there was no swaying her. Pressing her further would only make her angry or upset, neither of which he wanted. He sighed, feeling defeated then let go of her. He straightened then allowed his eyes to gaze upon her for a while longer before he turned toward the door.

"Very well, then I...I guess I will take my leave," He said and couldn't take the coldness completely out of his voice. He was actually thankful when the queen came back inside. "Goodbye...Narisa, he said without looking back at her. "My queen," he said as he began forward toward the door. He nodded as he passed her, each step accelerating until he opened up the door and stepped outside.

Lindariel looked at her daughter then back at the door then back at her again. She sighed feeling as if she knew what had happened but decided to not speak of it until Narisa did. It was obvious that whatever happened it had upset her.

Narisa's heart broke as she watched Calaren walk towards the door. She wanted to say something...anything...but she knew that there was nothing she could do or say to make the situation any less painful. She had had to choose one and she did love them both dearly. She heard her mother walk in and she tried to hold back her tears as Calaren left. She was quiet for a long time before speaking.

"I didn't want to hurt either of them Mother."

New thread and my apologies for not writing more consistently. My head just hasn't been in the game lately.