Forgiveness Is Not Divine

Evan had fully recovered in a few hours. He had joined the others at SHIELD HQ and like Logan, he was very much against holding Natalya there. Kate was still incognito but Steve felt that what SHIELD was trying to do was unjust and they should rely on his and the other’s judgement when it came to the wellbeing of one of their own. On the large monitor in the waiting room where they all waited the news wa son and a helicopter was hovering over what was left of the complex. No one could explain what had happened and SHIELD had responded to questions with ‘no comment’. They had tried to question Evan but he refused to talk to anyone from SHIELD including Nick Fury himself. He paced back and forth, desperately wanting to see Natalya. He knew where she was in the building, he had sent shadows to locate her should SHIELD try anything drastic. It was Logan that had studied Evan and he nodded as if he had made a decision about something.

“Evan, can you get me into her room?” Logan said plainly. The others looked up from what they were doing to look at them. “Logan, that’s not…” Steve began but Logan ignored him. “Logan, we’ve done enough ‘damage’ already,” Steve said and Tony appeared to agree with him. “I’m not talkin ta you,” Logan said roughly not looking at them. “I can get you in,” Evan said defiantly.

Isabella knew that Logan and Evan were angry, but she trusted Nick to make the right decision. Back at the Tower, Serena, Peter, and Pharaoh were watching over Kate who had since learned what had happened. She was no longer angry, but wanted to talk to Natalya.

Isabella looked over at Logan when he suddenly asked Evan if he could get him into Natalya's room. Logan was impulsive, particularly where Natalya was concerned, and it appeared that Evan was as well.

"Logan," she said gently, "I know you want what's best for Natalya. If you and Evan take her out of here by force then you won't be helping her where SHIELD is concerned. You'll only make things worse and I'm confident that she won't want that. Natalya wants to prove to SHIELD that she is not dangerous or a threat to the public. If you two do this then not only will she never be considered safe by SHIELD's standards, neither will you two and then how are we going to help the rest of the world? Please...just think about that."

“Fine then, just get me in there so I can see if she is really alright,” Logan relented. “I’ll have to go with you to bring you out again,” Evan said. “I won’t leave her Evan, I promise that,” Logan said. Evan looked at Isabella who shook her head at him slowly. He looked back at Logan. “Alright, just you then, I’ll stay behind,” Evan said feeling a wave of defiance wash over him. He made a large shadow in front of Logan and then moved and touched his shoulder. Without looking at the others who all had looks of disapproval, Logan stepped into the shadow then out into Natalya’s hospital room. He turned and used his claws to damage the electronic door and sparks shot up from it as he turned to face Natalya.

For a long moment Logan didn’t move he just stood there and looked at her. She certainly seemed alright...physically but had the SSB messed her up? ‘You might have to kill her’ He thought. He would not leave her fate to SHIELD. Slowly he stepped up to her bedside. He saw that they had her restrained and his brows furled at seeing that. With a quick motion he sliced through the nearest binding easily. He saw Natalya wake at that, likely she knew he was here before he even began to move.

“Is the food in this place, as bad as they say?” Logan said, trying to clear the dark air he felt in the room. ‘This is Natalya im talking to, not a stranger fool!’ He thought. He had no fear of her, he would not believe that they had managed to turn her so quickly.

Natalya had been resting when Logan stepped through a shadow into her room. Her eyes were closed, but she knew it was him before she even opened her eyes. She felt him slice through her bonds and her eyes slowly opened. Judging by the dark circles under them she wasn't sleeping very well. Her nightmares had increased and the doctors were discussing giving her sleeping aids. She slowly sat up and looked at him. She could see how tense he was and could only assume that he wasn't entirely sure if she was herself or not. She also knew that he wasn't supposed to be in her room. She crossed her legs under her and leaned her head back against the wall behind her.

"It's not the worst I've ever had but I could go for a cheeseburger and fries that's for sure."

Logan looked at her hand. He wanted to take it up into his but such things were out of character for him. Logan could be gentle but incidents of that were extremely rare for him. “We’ve always been honest with one another right? If I asked you if you planned on going back to the SSB...if they had fried your brain again, you’d tell me, wouldn’t you?” Logan asked. This was actually a trick question. It pertained to the time when they had first met. When she had agreed to go with him instead of dying at his hands. The SSB could give her orders to follow but it was always up to her how to complete her missions. It was nearly impossible to make a good agent that could not think on their feet. And that kind of thought process also meant that they’d have to choose when to follow and when not to follow orders to complete a mission in the best way possible. That kind of free thinking was why she rebelled. She saw the world differently than her controllers did and so her separation from the SSB was inevitable.

Natalya looked at Logan and was quiet a moment. She was remembering the first time they met and her decision to go with him. She knew Logan well enough to know that he would rather kill her than to see her as she had once been and leave her fate to SHIELD.

“Yes, Logan. I would tell you. Believe me when I tell you that I don’t want to be that woman anymore and would rather die than return to the SSB. I’m not under their control. I promise you. They came close though. Just the thought terrifies me.”

Logan did not react to her answer. Perhaps it was something in her eyes or the direct way she spoke to him that told him her answer before she said anything. He had to trust this woman, even if no one else did. She was proof that one’s past did not define who they were now only where they’ve been. “I suspect then that SHIELD will see it very much the same way,” he said then grinned darkly and showed his teeth. “No...I’m pretty certain they’ll see it that way,” He said. If he had anything to say about it, which he did they would! His revelry died pretty quickly though as ‘other’ thoughts entered into his mind. He had avoided this but Logan had grown tired of sidestepping what he wanted. She was alive and nearly her old self if a bit more battered mentally. She was alive though, luck they all shared. Still there was no guarantee she’d want to come back to the Avengers. There was still this business with Kate for that to happen and he knew Natalya felt alot of guilt about that. So much guilt that it nearly broke her. He needed that not to happen again but for that to happen he’d need to do something completely out of his character. Logan looked at her, brown eyes met brown eyes and his decision was made.

“Natalya, I’ve never asked anything of you…” He began then gave that a moment of thought. “Nope, nothing, ever but I’m asking you now. No, im demanding it. You’re gunna come back and be apart of this again. You’re gunna fix things with Kate. I don’t wanna do this without ya...I won’t do it. Evan won’t either, you gotta know that much. I can’t say I know the man all that well but I know he cares about you, we all do. And it doesn’t matter that you can’t understand it.” Logan said. “Evan was...unhinged when he saw what they done to you...he completely destroyed the complex. I mean there was nothing left of it at all,” He said.

He hadn’t said what he really wanted to say to her though. He had taken the easier route by bringing up Evan. Logan always had a difficult time when it came to his own feelings. The truth of the matter was he really loved Natalya and not just as a part of their friendship. His love for her was a strong, unstoppable force that he never wanted to give up.

Natalya knew she loved Logan. Her love for him was like a deep, strong river current that could never be stopped. She would always love him more than any other man in this world. He was apart of her in a way that no one else ever could be. Her eyes met his and she looked deeply into his eyes. Tears filled her own as she listened to him.

“I have no one else I have no one else in this world but you all. You all are the only family I have. But how can I face Kate knowing that I was the one who killed her parents?”

Logan’s resolve was breaking apart. He hated seeing Natalya like this. Weak and uncertain. What had been done to her in a sense had been done to him. Beyond unfair and cruel. Beyond insane and depraved. He took her hand up in his and cane to sit on the side of her bed.

“Because you must and...and because you will not be facing her alone,” he said. He lifted up her hand to his face and rubbed the backside of it against his face and forehead before he turned it over. He smelled her palm and then kissed it softly. He lowered it down to the bed and held her hand there as he looked into her eyes.

“I want us to be more than friends Natalya. I don’t want to see you with other men anymore just to preserve our friendship. I think no matter what we’ll at least have that. But I want to be with you. I want to know what that feels like,” he said honestly. He had stepped aside for Jean and for Natalya. He had lost so much in his life and yet he had a lot to. He wasn’t certain how Evan would react if she stepped away from him but he had a right to play this all out with her. He was certain she had strong feelings for Evan so he had no idea about what she’d say. That and she might change her mind after Evan spoke to her. He would never blame her for that.

Natalya closed her eyes as Logan picked up her hand and caressed it against his cheek. She felt love flow through her as he kissed the palm of her hand. Knowing that no matter what she wouldn’t be alone meant more to her than she could ever say. She and Logan shared a bond that no one else could ever know or understand. They understood one another and what it felt like to be made into a monster.

As he spoke she opened her eyes and looked at him. She had put himself out there. Something he never did. He was one to hide his feelings, like her. She looked into his eyes and her own feelings for him were plain to see.

“Logan, I love you. I love you more than I will ever love anyone else. You understand me without judging me. You changed my life for the better. But I’m with Evan right now. I owe him a fair chance and I do care about him. However, I am going to be honest with him about my feelings for you. That is the only fair thing to do.”

“I don’t really care about whats fair right now Natalya. I just know what I want,” Logan said leaning close to her face. “No one understands me like you do,” He said but then leaned back unwilling to press her right now. He did care about what was right and fair but he really wanted to be with Natalya. He had never been more certain of that until now. He looked at the wall behind her.

“I thought Evan would have come with me but he didn’t. That one is deliberate in what he does so I’m guessing he is unsettled about what happened,” Logan said then looked over at her. “Or upset with you for some reason,” Logan said. “Peter and Serena are back in the tower so things should be just about back to normal when you come back...when ‘we’ come back. I’ve told them I wouldn’t be leaving your side until they release you,” Logan said.

Natalya felt trapped between two men that she truly cared about. She wasn't sure if she loved Evan, but she did know that she cared about him and he deserved to know the truth. She would be honest with him about her feelings for Logan and if he couldn't handle knowing that then the choice was his, but Logan was going to remain in her life. She knew that if she ever left the team that he would follow her and if he ever left she would follow him. It was as simple as that. Logan deserved love and happiness and she hoped that she would be able to give him at least a little of what he deserved.

She leaned forward and kissed him. It wasn't a deep kiss, but one of love. She pulled back slightly and then gave him another shorter kiss before wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into it. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you. I didn't mean any of it. I was just upset and was trying to hurt you to get you to leave. Please forgive me."

Logan was surprised that she had kissed him. But he didn’t stop her and he kissed her back. He stroked her hair as she nuzzled into his neck. He could count on one hand the times when Natalya needed comforting and so he did the best he knew how to do that. “I know,” Was all he said though he wasn’t sorry for what he said. She had really pissed him off and he meant what he said. He noticed a SHIELD agent, Agent Coulson watching them from outside in the hall. Logan gave him the finger as he continued to stroke Natalya’s hair and kiss her head.

Later that evening SHIELD decided to let them leave but Steve had had a rather long meeting with Nick Fury about this and he said very little in the limo during the ride home. Tony and isabella flew back to the tower while Steve, Natalya, Evan and Logan rode back in the limo. Natalya sat next to Evan on his right and Logan sat across from them. Steve was up with Happy in the front.

Evan held Natalya’s hand, refusing to let go of it for anything. When he first saw her and Logan come into the waiting room he stood up fast and hugged her hard and told her how worried he had been. He did not call her out though on her leaving. He’d never do that in front of others especially when the last thing he thought she needed was more anxiety. He sat there next to her, holding her hand and stroking her knuckles with his thumb. Their bodies were close in the limo and every so often their eyes would meet.

Natalya knew that there was a lot that she and Evan needed to talk about, but she wouldn't do it here and now. That conversation would be saved for a private moment where she would be completely open and honest with him. That was the least he deserved. In the limo she let Evan hold her hand. She knew it was more for his own comfort than for her own.

Kate knew that Natalya was coming back. Tony and Isabella had spoken to her when they got back and she decided to just let her relax for tonight. She and Natalya would talk in the morning.

Upon arriving back at the Tower, Natalya went back to her room. She asked Evan to get her some tea and he did. As he walked back into her room with the tea and closed the door behind him she took the tea cup and took a long sip and closed her eyes for a moment. Flashes of pain and memories of the chair kept coming back to her. The doctors had given Evan the sleeping pills that she was supposed to take every night for the next week or so. One of the other conditions for her release was that she was to meet with one of SHIELD's Psychiatrists every week for the next several months.

Kate looked over at Steve as he walked back into their room. She was dressed and looking better. She had had some time to process everything and was actually quite worried about Natalya. "Is she alright?"

Evan rubbed her shoulder as he watched her drink. He had seen her in that chair. The horror of it would stay with him for a very long time. But he could only imagine what it had felt like to be in that chair. Not once but twice. She had probably spent months as a girl in a chair like that. It all made him want to sick up.

“When I saw you...unconscious...in that...that chair,” Evan said feeling the bile in his stomach wanting to push up into his throat. He shifted and held his mouth and swallowed. “I realized then what was really important to me,” Evan said and then winced as he thought about what he did. He had went crazy and they killed so many SSB personnel. He had felt..nothing for doing that. He was cold hard anger. “We...killed them all Natalya. I want you to know that. Everyone...but...but I am still angry about it. I feel myself still hating them for what they did. Will I ever stop?” He said really wondering if he would always feel hatred for them. It was an unusual feeling in Evan. Hate just wasn’t something he chose to focus on. Now though he wanted to kill them...those that weren’t there. The whole of the SSB and he couldn’t stop it.

Steve nearly fell into his easychair. He held out his arms to Kate, wanting her to fall into him. Fill him up with her love. “I’m not certain...they...were doing something horrible to her. Some kind of brainwashing thing using psychedelic drugs, imagery and pain,” He said and shivered just thinking about it all. “I didn’t even see her in...in the chair Evan described but it had affected both him and Logan. Evan he...he did...something. And the complex, the whole thing it...it was just gone...Everything, the people, just gone,” Steve said obviously troubled. How many Agents would have given up or fled? Probably most of them but none of them had been given a chance. “We killed them all,” Steve said and felt sick about it.

Natalya looked over at Evan. She could see how deeply affected he had been by what he had seen done to her and that upset her. She listened to him as he told her what he had done. She had not known Evan for a very long time, but she knew that he wasn't usually so violent. In fact, he had not even watched when she had dispatched three SSB agents. She began to grow worried for him and she walked over and looked at him. "Evan, you must let go of this anger. There will always be evil out there in the world and people affected by it. If you continue to hold onto this anger then you will end up being no better than them. Let us instead enjoy our time together."

Kate immediately walked over and slipped into Steve's lap. She felt his arms wrap around her and hold her close to him. She listened quietly as Steve told her what had happened. The whole story upset her, but she knew she needed to be strong for Steve, who was clearly effected by this. Steve only killed when he needed to and it was likely that not all of those agents needed to be killed. She brushed his hair back from his face and kissed his head. "We got Natalya back...and that's what matters. I would like to talk to her in the morning. Do you think she will talk to me?"

“I think she would have rather died than face you but I think she will talk to you. She craves resolution like you do and she values your friendship. She’s broken though Kate. And needs time to heal but talking with you would be a good first step in that,” Steve said. “I was hoping tonight...we could take one another’s mind off of everything...any ideas how we might accomplish that?” Steve said coyly though he smiled at her as well.

Evan sighed knowing what natalya said was right. He removed the pill container from his pocket, opened it and dropped 2, the correct dose into his palm. He looked at them and then held them in his fingers. He shifted so he could feed them to Natalya. Once she opened her mouth he placed them on her tongue and watched her take a drink of tea to wash them down. After that he removed the cup from her hands, set it down on the end table then took her face into his hands. He smoothed back her long, dark hair and realized that it wasn’t as silky as it usually was.

“Lets take a shower...together. I’ll wash your hair,” he said and a smile crept up onto his lips.

That night Natalya slept soundly in Evan's arms in her bed. The sleeping pills worked very well and she did not stir or awaken from any nightmares throughout the night. However, the reality of what had been done to her was still apparent. The following morning after she awoke she just sat up in bed and stared off into space for quite a while. She wasn't her usual self...although it made one wonder if this wasn't actually the way she truly was, but she just put on a facade. In reality, that was the truth. Natalya's hard exterior was actually quite thin and underneath it all was a vast sea of vulnerability that had been built up over decades of torture, abuse, and manipulation. Her tough exterior could be mended, but it would take time and until then everyone would see her true self.

As Evan brought her her breakfast she looked over at him. "Evan...I need to tell you something." She waited for him to sit before continuing on. "You're a good man and I want to be honest with you. I think you deserve that from me. You may have noticed that Logan and I share a special relationship. He is the one who was sent by SHIELD to kill me, but instead he spared my life and brought me here. He gave me a second chance and since then we've developed a close bond. The real truth of the matter is is that we love each other and will always love each other. I do care about you though and he knows that."

Having a mother like he had Evan was no stranger to what people who love one another are willing to do to please the other. His mother was not of this world and her ‘sexual and emotional appetites were somewhat out there as far as Evan was concerned. His parents had done alot to keep it all from him but Evan was a quick study and eventually learned what they did from time to time. Being human meant having a multitude of relationships. Each one likely unique and it added to the overall diversity of their species. Natalya had been one of Evan’s first sexual partners. He had learned more in those few days with her than he ever had before. But it wasn’t all about the sex. She had a dark sense of humor and had a competitiveness that he loved. She was intelligent, funny at times and seemed to enjoy life in the moment like he did. He wanted them to get back to that, eventually.

He had a feeling that she and Logan were really close but he honestly had no reason to feel threatened by Logan. At least not in his mind. Evan would never begrudge Natalya to find love in her life...as much of it that she could. Love and friendship was a rare thing these days but he was ‘not’ his mother. He didn’t want to share Natalya’s affections and he highly doubted he could go through having another man in their bed with them. Evan paused in what he was about to say so he could really say what he meant.

“I think everyone knows you and Logan are close. It kinda makes sense considering that your backgrounds are...well kind of similar. He showed you compassion when I wouldn’t have thought a man like him would. I would say you having feelings for one another...its a good thing,” Evan said and smiled at Natalya. And if we are both being honest...I’m not certain I would want...I mean...I don’t...If you can’t just be with me”...He said awkwardly as if he wasn’t certain of how to tell her what he wanted to tell her. “I just need to know if you are going to give us a try,” Evan asked plainly. “I won’t get in the way of your friendship with Logan but I want to explore our feelings toward one another and I don’t think we can do that if he’s part of it to,” Evan said honestly. His face felt warm after saying all that but it was all out now and he could not take any of it back.

Natalya was quiet for a while after Evan spoke. She considered what he had said. He had taken the news she had given him quite well she thought. Any other man might have gotten angry knowing that a woman he was in a relationship with was in love with another man. She had to give Evan credit though for being so calm and patient with her. She was not an ordinary woman by any stretch of the imagination. She wasn't even sure if she was the type of woman to just settle down with one man. She wasn't sure what the future held for her, but she was certain that Logan would always be in it. Their love for each other wouldn't fade. Evan though was a new opportunity to explore. He was different from Logan and perhaps that was what she needed right now.

"I am willing to give us a try," she finally told him. "But I want you to understand that I'm not certain I'm the type of woman to settle down with one man. Please don't plan a future with me. Let's just take this one day at a time and know that my feelings for Logan will always be there."

Evan smiled and nodded at Natalya in agreement. Considering who and what they all were, they’d have to take it all one day at a time. Malcolm was proof of that. Playfully he reached out and grabbed hold of the waist of her pants. He pulled her toward him Then kissed her lips in a playful way. “Now that we got that all cleared up,” he whispered. Then there was a knock on her door.

Logan said he would be with her when she want to talk to Kate. Well, the morning was waning and he wondered if she was just putting it off for as long as possible.

“It’s Logan, you’re not tryin ta get out of this, are ya?” he said outside the door. He smelled both her and Evan from outside and was hit by a pang of jealousy square in the chest. He let it go though...there was no other choice for him right now. “I guess I’ll leave you two,” Evan whispered and kissed her cheek He moved toward the door, opened it and nodded to Logan amicably as he stepped away to go to his own room. Logan entered and looked her over. “Pajamas, still?” He said scoldingly.

Natalya wondered how long Evan would feel the way he did about all of this, but for now he seemed agreeable to what she had told him and she was willing to give a relationship with him a fair shot. She grinned a little at him when he playfully pulled her towards him but just then there was a knock at the door. She knew it was Logan before he even spoke. “Thank you,” she said to Evan when he told her that he would leave them be.

After Evan left she looked at Logan as he walked into her room. “I was just about to get dressed. Those sleeping pills they gave me really knocked me out, which I suppose I’m grateful for. It beats the nightmares anyway.”

Logan scoffed rudely though in jest and folded his arms across his chest. “No the nightmare is seeing you without makeup,” he said making fun of her just out of bed appearance. If he were being honest though she was beautiful regardless of her state. At least he thought so.

“Then don’t change anything as far as the medication goes,” he suggested then looked at her again. She wasn’t wearing a bra and he could see her nipples through her shirt. He didn’t look away and eventually moved his gaze back up to her eyes...eventually he did. “We’ll talk shears no sheep woman!” Logan snapped then clapped his hands together and turned around so she could get dressed.

Natalya saw Logan’s eyes look at her breasts. She let him look and didn’t say anything. She felt torn between him and Evan and hoped he would wait for her. If he didn’t though she would understand. She changed and dressed into a pair of black leggings and a loose fitting sweater. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail and brushed her teeth. She took several deep breaths before looking at Logan. “Ok, I’m ready.”

Logan looked Natalya over, nodded to her then opened the door. Steve and Kate’s room was across the hall and their door was closed. Logan led a reluctant Natalya across the main living area and he waited for her in front of the door. He knocked then reached out and snatched her arm as she tried to turn away. He hauled he back and Steve opened the door.

“Mornin Cap,” Logan said. “Wanna get a coffee?” He asked and pushed Natalya toward the open door. He ignored her scowl at him and smiled pleasantly at Steve.