That Which Can Not Be Healed

“Oh don’t you start that!” Lindariel said annoyedly as she forced Narisa upright. “By that notion I caused Jamie’s death and every woman who's ever had a man who tried to protect her. Guilt will not make the pain in your heart any less so daughter. You can try to fill that space up with guilt, anger or numb yourself to it but in truth only time can heal something like this. You learn to live with it and that’s that!” She said. “You are a grown woman now Narisa. Daughter to a King, my daughter and you will get over this!” She said roughly then picked up the bowl. “Now are you going to eat or do I need to feed you like a child!?” She added.

Later that afternoon Eomer sought Narisa out. He wore his long, blonde hair loose and his gold robe shimmered in the light as he stepped out onto the terrace. Being a father did not come naturally to him, especially when it came to his daughter. He finally found her outside on the rear balcony though he had looked all over for her which annoyed him. Her hair and dress fluttered as the wind blew across her as she looked out over the rocky plains beyond. The wind here always had a certain chill to it. He had removed his cloak as he came up behind her and she did not really notice him until the weight of it rested down upon her shoulders and back. He was abut to pull back but then he drew forward and embraced her hard as a father who almost lost his daughter might. He kissed her cheek and buried his head in her hear. What does a father say to his daughter in a time like this? He wondered.

"You are my beloved," he said in a hoarse voice and indeed he felt the rush of emotion course through him right then. "Losing you would have been like losing all the light in the world," he added as he kissed her forehead.

Narisa stood looking out over the plains. There was a light breeze which gently ruffled her hair and dress. She did not notice the coolness of the air. She thought about what her mother had said to her earlier. She knew that ultimately she had not caused Eagan's death, but the guilt continued to eat at her. She knew it would dissipate in time...as would the intense pain she still felt. Strangely, as she stood there her mind did not think of Eagan...she thought of Calaren. She continued to think of him fighting that large bandit and how terrified she had been that he would be killed. She knew she still loved Calaren deeply and that knowledge confused her. Did it make her a terrible person to be thinking of another man so soon after another man she loved had been killed?

She was deep in these thoughts when she felt something being placed around her shoulders. She jumped and looked over to see her father standing behind her. He had gently placed his cloak around her shoulders and only then did she realize she had been shivering. She looked at him and knew in that moment she needed his comfort. But would he give it? Her relationship with her father had always been a strained one and he was not a man to show comforting emotions often. But she needed him to hug her...she needed it more than anything she had ever needed before. At first he began to draw back and she felt her heart break, but then he surprised her and drew her into his arms. Narisa buried her face into his chest as tears began to slip down her cheeks.

"They nearly killed Mother. I cannot bear to think what they would have done to her."

The King stroked her hair and made soothing sounds as he listened. He let her cry and tell him all the darkness that she held in her heart over what had happened. “You’re safe now daughter, your mother is safe and we celebrate the victorious dead as is our way,” he said softly. “Those that you loved will carry that with them forever. Take solace in this Narisa and bring your heart back into the world of the living,” The King said as he pulled her gently back and softly lifted her chin to look up at him. “Eagan would not think his death held no purpose or meaning. Nor would he ever hold blame to it upon you nor anyone. Do not hold that burden in your heart my dearest. Live for today and take tomorrow as it shall come,” he said then kissed her cheek once more. He smiled at her then crooked a finger and tickled her nose as he used to do when she was younger.

He stepped back and turned to go then stopped. He turned his head sideways and he still held that same smile upon his face. “Sometime you might wish to visit the stables...I have a surprise for you there, when you are willing,” he said evenly then left her there to her thoughts.

Calaren had still not come to visit her. Out of guilt or hurt he could not say. He wanted very much to see her, talk to her...Console her but he knew she had made her choice and it had not been him. He could accept that...had accepted that though he often laid awake of night thinking about her. Her eyes, her scent, her smile. The anguish he saw in her eyes that day...the loss in her eyes made him want to weep. Thinking about all of this again made him push his plate away from him. He took a small drink of his ale and then stepped out into the market.

The market square was a place that people came to shop, trade and hawk their wares. Food, tools, textiles and many other things could be found here. Carts pulled by mules, or hand carts with awnings of differing colors were organized in long rows side by side. Calaren hardly ever came here but today he was looking for something. What exactly that something was he couldn’t say but he knew he’d know it when he found it. Today Calare had his long, dark hair brushed back and it hung just below his shoulders. It looked as soft as it felt and he had on his dark gray suit coat and black britches with his pant legs bloused loosely into his large, black boots adorned with silver buckles. Something shiny caught his eye but as he turned to get a look at what it was Sonora Helsfen bumped into him.

Sonora had always liked Calaren. A few years younger than he she had thought him very handsome. Sonora had deep, blue eyes and a mane of gold curls down to the middle of her back. She wore a light blue and green dress suitably cut for a young lady of her standing with only enough embroidery at the sleeves and on the breast to not be called ‘overt’ or ‘arrogant’. Calaren always thought that she had a hungry looking mouth and though she was pleasant to look at he had never thought of her as a match for himself. His mother had though.

“Oh, excus…” He began, “Calaren!? Oh, I’m so sorry,” Sonora said in a giggle. Her friend Alean was with her and both looked at him with bright beaming smiles. “I don’t recall ever seeing you in the square before, how have you been?” She asked as she stepped forward to take his hand into hers. “I uh...well, oh...and good day to you..uh, Alean,” he remembered. Alean had to bite her lip to stop herself from sighing out loud. Alean had light green eyes and a dusty blonde hair that she always wore in a thick braid down her back. Her dress was of a deep blue and yellow ruffles at the sleeves and neck and hem.

Narisa was rather stunned by her father's kind, soft words. He had not spoken to her in such a way in a very long time. She felt comforted by what he spoke. Despite their sometimes tumultuous relationship, Narisa loved her father dearly and looked up to him. He was a strong man who loved and protected his people. He was a great King, but also a good man. She felt blessed to have him as her father.

When he stepped back and suggested that she visit the stables sometime soon she blinked at him and wondered for a moment what it could be. She had not even thought about going to the stables since the loss of her dear Onyx. It would feel lonely there without him. She watched her father leave and stood on the balcony for a few more minutes thinking about all he had said. Finally, she decided to go to the stables to see what this 'surprise' was.

Sonora had liked Calaren from the first moment she laid eyes on him. He was handsome and strong and had a kind heart. Any woman would be lucky to have him as her husband. She quite often imagined that he might be hers someday. However, it seemed that Calaren only had eyes for Narisa. She knew that they had been in a relationship years before and for the past few weeks she had seen him with her. But then word reached her that Narisa had accepted Eagan's hand only days before he was killed. That meant, in her eyes, that he was now available again and she was certainly going to try to get his attention.

"I heard about the attack you all suffered by those horrible bandits. People have been talking about how brave and strong you were. They say you took down the biggest of the bandits yourself and saved the Queen and the Princess. You are quite the hero...but then again, I have always known that."

Inwardly Calaren cringed. The last person he really wanted to see was Sonora and as he tried to back up Alean shifted, quite rapidly around him and blocked him in. Behind him was a cart filled with polished stones and gems, jewelry, collectables and baubles. He looked over at her and smiled...politely but it was clear now that he was well and truly caught like a fly in a web.

The stables were a set of massive, long, single storied set of buildings that housed hundreds of horses. The royal stables though were set apart from the rest and painted green with a dark, gold tiled roof where the others were plain stone with thatch roofs. The stablehands and horse keepers bowed to her when they saw her. Dedicated men and women who loved tending the horses. Several young women that carried pails of water that hadn’t noticed her at first smiled in surprise. Their eyes shifted at times down the line of stalls and murmurs broke out but the talk was not really audible to her ears. Down the line of stalls horses of every sort, size and color were there. Each with its own merits due to its specific line of breeding. Eomer’s and her mother’s horse were about half way down the line in adjoining stalls. Just after theirs however was an empty stall, the one that Onyx had occupied. Now cleaned and empty. As she looked at the empty stall, movement in the stall next to it caught her eyes. A horse was there and it bobbed its head excitedly at seeing her. It was a silvery sable color with a pure white main down the length of its neck. It looked young but it was obvious now that it was sizing her up just as she looked at it.

“Is...that a new dress?” he asked of Alean. Partly because he really didn’t know what to say and also he was...annoyed and wanted to make Sonora jealous of his attentions on Alean who she often treated as some kind of underling. It wasn't easy though, Sonora's hair was quite lovely he had to admit and the way she looked at him made him think things he knew he shouldn't

Narisa paused before the entrance to the royal stables. As she stood there she remembered the first time she had ever seen Onyx. He had been a young stallion that none of the stable hands were able to control. He kicked and bit at anyone who came near him and there had been talk of putting him down due to his extremely wild nature. Narisa had thought him the most beautiful horse she had ever seen and had loved him the moment she had first laid eyes on him. She had approached him slowly. At first, he grew agitated at her presence, but she had spoken softly to him and by the time she had first laid her hands on him he was completely calm. She had been the only one he had let draw that close to him. From that day on he had been hers and he had proved to be the most magnificent horse she had ever ridden.

Slowly, Narisa entered the stables and began to walk down the long corridor. Horses stuck their heads out as she passed, including her father and mother's. Her eyes drifted to Onyx's empty stall and she felt her heart begin to break all over again. However, something then caught her eye. In the stall to the left of Onyx's stall she spotted a horse that she had never seen before. It's coloring was breathtakingly beautiful and it seemed to look her right in the eyes. She knew in that moment that he was meant for her. Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. Slowly, she reached out with her right hand to touch his cheek.

Sonora's jaw clenched slightly when Calaren began to pay attention to Alean instead of her. Alean was her younger sister and though she loved her as a sister, she did not want her to stand between her and Calaren being together. She was irritated that he had ignored all of the wonderful things she had said to him.

Alean blushed slightly at Calaren's question about her dress. "Yes, actually it is. Thank you for noticing."

"I actually picked it out for her," Sonora added. "I have an eye for these types of things. What do you think of my dress? she then asked him.

The silvery snout of the horse nuzzled her hand and she noticed it was female. It stepped forward and leaned its head out further toward her for more nuzzling and other horses too had stuck their heads out of their stalls. Several of them stomped a hoof or snorted and indeed they too seemed to want Narisa’s attentions just as her horse was getting. It made a throaty sound as if it were trying to communicate to her and she scratched at her stall door with a hoof. An act only the most intelligent horses might do to convey its wish to be rode.

Calaren didn’t want to relive what had happened and though Sonora’s words had affected him he didn’t wish to show her that right then. “Your hair is quite beautiful today Sonora,” he said suddenly in the hopes it would put her off balance. If he played his cards right they’d let their guard down and he’d be able to slip by them. “I’ve always thought so and your eyes Alean, I think I could lose myself in them if I stared too long. I have you know, been looking, but only when you couldn’t see,” he said. A true statement but not exactly how it came out. Oh he was playing with fire now, he thought. May he burn for it! He added internally. He reached out and touched a few golden locks by her left eye then tucked them back gently.

The sounds of the market around them were loud and the two women had to lean forward to hear his words and also did so when they spoke to him. He allowed his eyes to fall upon Alean’s ample bosom when she did so and in such a way Sonora could see it. Caught up in this little game he had decided to play he continued without really thinking clearly. In truth he didn’t want to think. Thinking only made his head hurt and quite honestly at that moment he wouldn’t mind kissing Sonora in some secluded spot and forget his trouble if for just a little while. He leaned over toward Alean and whispered, “I can’t figure out who is more fetching today.”

Narisa was completely in love with the young mare. She was so beautiful and she immediately felt a connection with her that reminded her of her connection with Onyx. She smiled for the first time in days as she stroked her strong neck and whispered loving words to her. She knew that she wanted to take her out for a ride. She found brand new tack for her, since Onyx's had been made especially for him and had been buried with him, and began to put on her saddle and bridle. As she was tacking her new horse her thoughts began to drift back to Calaren. She could not look at horses without thinking of him. She knew in her heart that she had loved him more than Eagan and that she did want to be with Calaren. She wanted to go with him to Gehenna. She needed to talk to him immediately. She quickly finished tacking her new horse and went out to find him. After speaking with a few people she heard that he had been spotted in the market. She felt happy as she started towards the market, knowing she was going to make him just as happy as she felt in that moment.

She entered the market and began to look around for Calaren. Her eyes finally spotted him, but he wasn't alone. She was stunned to find him surrounded by two young girls and even more stunned to see him clearly staring at the younger of the two's chest. She felt pure anger flow through her. What was he doing?! Only days before he had been begging her to go with him to Gehenna...to marry him, but now he seemed to have completely forgotten about her.

She dismounted her horse and stormed over to him. Without a word she slapped him so hard across the face that his nose began to bleed. The two girls gasped in shock. Narisa then turned and began to walk back to her horse.

Before he knew that Narisa was there he saw Sonora shift and the pain as her full arm slap struck him so hard it made his teeth rattle. Her two fingers had bent his nose far enough that blood began to trickle down onto his lip. Both Sonora and Alean’s eyes grew wide with shock and worry that if they did not leave the area and quickly, Narisa’s obvious anger may spill over onto them next. Before he could get a word in edge wise he saw her turn and stomp off toward what must be her horse. With his left hand on his nose and the pain and embarrassment of her slap furling his brow in extreme irritation he stalked off after her.

“You...stop right there, Narisa!” He said commandingly as his long legs carried him closer to her. He sounded as if his nose was plugged which took something away from that. The blood still came down onto his fingers, one of her nails had scratched the inside of his nose and it was bleeding quite alot now. He saw she was about to mount what he presumed was her horse and he said, “El’onta’lal for’dom.” A command that all horses of Rohan learned to understand and before she could get a leg up it lurched forward a few paces then turned about until it was now facing them. Even as he did he had to tilt his head back and blood poured out onto his hands.

Narisa was fuming with anger. How could he just forget about her that quickly? Eagan had died and she had needed time to process what had happened. He knew that she loved him. She had told him so. How could he just toss her aside so quickly? She heard him come after her but she continued to walk towards her horse, ignoring his command for her to stop. She was just about to get onto her horse when she heard his other command. Her horse, which was very well trained, reacted immediately and moved before she could get up. Now she was very upset.

"How dare...!"

She turned around to face him, but before she could complete her statement she noticed how badly his nose was bleeding. A wave of guilt washed over her. She hadn't meant to cause him to bleed. She had only meant to slap him. Without a second thought she tore off a bit of her dress and then held it up against his nose to try and stop the bleeding.

"I didn't mean to cause you to bleed," she told him honestly after a long moment of silence.

Calaren jerked back from her touch and blatantly refused to have her help. “Those...those women? Seriously Narisa?” He said with an odd voice now that his nose was stuffed. The very notion was ridiculous. He was putting pressure on his nose also to stem the flow of blood, he hoped. His tone was obviously angry though and his suit coat was ruined didn’t do much to improve his mood. He was angry that she hadn’t picked him. Angry that he was once more, just second best. Angry that he loved her and there was nothing he could do about it, like an animal trapped in a snare.

“And I thought you knew me better than that!” He growled. “Maybe you’d prefer it if I were the one in the ground and NOT Eagan? Is that it then?” He said relentlessly, his anger and frustration coming to a head now. At Eagan’s death, at her and at himself. He took a dangerous step toward her, the blood mostly stopped now but it was all over his face, hands and coat. “If my presence upsets you so much... if nothing I do is right for you, then you tell me to go!” He said angrily as if he meant every word though he knew he did not.

Narisa was visibly shocked when Calaren pulled back from her touch, but it was what he said that shocked her even more. How could he say that? A look of deep pain filled her eyes...a pain much sharper than anything she had inflicted upon him. She couldn't honestly believe what was happening. One of the men she had loved was dead and now the other, whom she was about to tell that she wanted to spend her life with, was accusing her of wanting him dead. She felt like she wanted to be ill. She wanted to hit him again and again...to scream and cry. She began to tremble as her anger grew.

"Go!" she finally yelled at him with tears in her eyes.

Calaren blinked in obvious surprise and hurt. Her words cut him more deeply than any blade ever had. He could not see that what he was feeling was open and apparent in his eyes but it was her eyes that made his breath catch. He had hurt her and for no other reason than he was a fool. But what was done and said had been and so stubbornly he narrowed his eyes then turned his back to her and stalked off like a cat deeply offended by a nudge of someone’s foot to step aside.

In the palace Lindariel had been speaking to Eomer. Well, more then that, Narisa had interrupted what was a very warm moment between them but it was her daughter’s eyes and the look of her face that she had been crying that drew her up from Eomer’s lap. She followed Narisa into the antechamber and up the stairs. It was clear Narisa was headed for her apartments and Lindariel followed then closed the door behind her.

Narisa felt as if her entire world was crumbling around her. Had she now lost both of her loves? She didn't know what to do. She felt numb and confused and still very hurt. She somehow walked back to the palace and without realizing it she sought out the only person she knew she could talk to about this...her mother. She was too upset to realize she had interrupted something between her father and mother and slowly began to walk back to her apartments, knowing her mother was following behind her. As soon as the door closed behind them she broke down and began crying. Somehow, through her sobs she told her mother everything that had happened.

"He accused me of wanting him dead instead of Eagan. He asked me if I wanted him to go and I told him to go. I've now lost both of the men I loved. I was ready to go with Calaren...to tell him I wanted to spend my life with him, but now I've lost him."

It was never easy to see your own child in despair. Narisa, for all her stubborn independence made it even more difficult for both her and the King to watch her fall. It didn’t happen often but it did happen and Lindariel hugged her and made soothing sounds and murmurs until Narisa had calmed down. After a time Narisa settled to lay on the bed, her head upon her mother's lap as Lindariel stroked her hair. It was still light out but the sun was beginning to touch the horizon and it took on a more reddish hue right then as its light shone through the windows into the room. After a time Lindariel decided she needed to point a few things out for her. Things that obviously she just wouldn’t see. She suspected that her recent losses had clouded her judgement and could she honestly blame her? How long had she fretted over Jamie? A man that put up with alot and still he loved her until he died.

“Did you know...Simaril, your new horse...Calaren had meant her for you as a bride gift. He had been training it in secret for months. When Eagan died and he did not think that you’d have him he still delivered it to your father and asked him to give it to you. A man who did not know you so well might give you jewels or a large estate and think that it would impress you. But just a horse? What man would give something so...mundane as that as a bride gift?” She said in a neutral tone. Calaren knew Narisa already had Onyx and that she loved him dearly. Why would he give her another horse? Lindariel knew and Narisa did to. Because there could be no greater gift for Narisa. Other women, even those of rohan liked jewels and fancy things. But her daughter was different. And so was she to some degree.

Lindariel tilted her head as if contemplating something she did not quite understand. “Odd that he would give it to you anyway…don’t you think?” She said in a tone that alluded to more that she did not say right then. She knew full well that Calaren still loved Narisa. Regardless of what happened in the square or not. What happens now was completely up to Narisa and she waited to see if her words made any kind of impression upon her.

Narisa laid there with her head in her mother's lap. She felt comforted as her mother stroked her long, dark hair. Even though Narisa was a full grown woman now, she still desired her mother's comfort whenever she was upset. Her mother was quiet for a while, but Narisa sensed that there was something she wanted to say to her. When she finally did speak, Narisa was shocked by what she told her. Her new horse had been intended as a bride gift from Calaren? The thought overwhelmed her and brought tears to her eyes. Calaren knew her better than any other man...even Eagan. He had known she was different than other women and instead of trying to force her to be like them, he embraced that which was different about her. He loved her as she was and loved her for her strength and independence. That horse was not just a gift...it was a symbol...of her.

A strong rush of emotions ran through Narisa's heart, but strongest of them all was love. She loved Calaren so deeply now that it caused her to physically ache for him. She needed him...wanted him. She would not be able to live her life without him. No other man would bring her the same happiness as he. She knew then what she must do. She sat up suddenly and looked at her mother with tears in her eyes.

"I have to go Mother...I have to go with him."

And then Lindariel did begin to cry. She had known this was going to happen. Knew it in her bones but part of being a parent was letting go and allowing your children to live their lives. “And I shall miss you Narisa,” she said as she wiped tears from her eyes and tried not to make a show of her sadness that Narisa would be leaving. But she knew in her heart that it had to be. Oh how would she tell the King? She knew that too. He loved Narisa just as much as she did.

Now they hugged again and more tears fell between them. They talked long into the evening but eventually Lindariel had to go. She made excuses for Narisa and had a small meal sent up to her room.

It was early but Calaren wasn’t one to put what needed to be done off just because the task was an unpleasant one. In many ways he felt that he would miss Edoras and Rohan. It’s wide open plains and expansive countryside. A man could ride for days in any direction he wished to go. But most of all he would miss Narisa. His heart ached just thinking of her and unconsciously he looked around as if somehow she hadn’t meant what she said. Reluctantly though he stopped that and got back to hooking up Rook, a very spirited black stallion to the back of the rear most cart. He had 4 draft horses pulling 2 heavily laden carts. All of his possessions were in these carts and the horses he had trained himself and they did not require drivers to lead them. This trip, this ‘final’ trip he would not be returning here. Not anytime soon anyway regardless if Narisa still held his heart or not.

There were alot of people gathered even though the earliness of the hour to watch him depart. He had already said goodbye to his family and to the King and Queen. The Queen seemed...strange though at his departure and many there were ribbing him about how much stuff he had stuffing those carts. It was impossible for him to laugh though. Difficult to eve crack a smile but he did so anyway. Finally he sighed and mounted his leggy red. Fireheart snorted and stamped his hoof in anticipation to this morning’s ride. Calaren did smile at that though then leaned forward and patted his long neck. “Oh you just can’t wait can you?” He murmured and the horse actually nodded its head as if he understood. Perhaps he really did Calaren thought as he straightened and took up his reins.

Narisa knew that she would miss Rohan greatly. It was her home. She had been born here. She had learned to ride here. She had met Eagan and Calaren here. But it was time for her to go...time for her to start a new life with Calaren in Gehenna. She didn't know when she would return to Rohan again, but she hoped it wouldn't be too long for she loved it's wide open plains and rolling hills. Rohan would forever be apart of her.

After her mother left, Narisa packed what few belongings she wanted to take with her. She left her nice dresses and packed instead her riding and work clothes. The only jewelry she took with her were pieces her mother had given her for her 18th birthday. She put on her riding cloak, leaving her royal cloak hanging in her wardrobe. She took one final look around her room before leaving it forever.

She went first to her older brother, Theodred, and bid him a tearful goodbye. Elisa hugged her tightly and told her she would need to come back to visit either her niece or nephew. Narisa smiled and touched her sister-in-law's slightly rounded stomach and promised that she would. Next, she visited her father. There were tears from both and they embraced one another, but said very little. They needed no words. They both knew what the other wanted to say. "I love you Father," was all Narisa said and needed to say. Finally, she walked out to Eagan's grave. She knelt down and lightly touched the fresh mound and felt a few tears come to her eyes as she said goodbye to him for the last time. It was painful for her, but also the start of a new life...a life she knew Eagan would want her to have. She would never forget Eagan and his sacrifice for her. He would always be apart of her.

With her goodbyes said, Narisa went into the stables and found her horse, Simaril, already tacked. She thanked the stable hands for their services and bid them a tearful goodbye as well. She then mounted Simaril and, with the morning sun now just coming up over the horizon, she rode up towards the hill. She knew Calaren had already started on his way and was just beyond the hill. Something in his heart would tell him to stop...to turn around...and when he did he would see Narisa come up over the crest of the hill. Her eyes met his across the distance and he would see nothing, but her eternal love for him shining within them. Their new life together had just begun.

New Thread!